Impact Factor: The Sports Bra

by Emilie L. David on 3 June 2012

Gear reviews are pretty pointless.  Everyone has different needs, tastes, neuroses, and budgets.  But I went into Sports Authority recently for a bit of apparel that I can’t do without, and this shows just a fraction of my choices:

I counted 9 different styles of sports bra made by Champion alone.  In various other parts of the store there were also racks of Nike bras, Adidas bras, Asics, Moving Comfort, and Under Armor.  On a website dedicated to such things a search on sports bras came up with 155 different styles!!  That’s a lot of functionality to assess, small tag by small tag.  I thought finding the right pair of sneakers was difficult! 

When you look at these contraptions, on the tag you might see a ranking category based on impact level.  Low impact, medium impact, high impact.  Because, as everybody knows, boobs are asteroids that are threatening the earth and must therefore be contained by straightjacket.  

In reality you are supposed to choose the level by the activity you are wearing the bra for, with high impact equating to high bounce activities (like running, or extreme pogo sticking).  And yet, I find it very hard to find many choices of high impact bras for those of us who have goods that are not myths, but that are definitely not legends.  I guess I am supposed to consider myself only a medium threat needing only a medium amount of restraint.  I would have accepted that had I not gotten the single most horrifying bit of information I have ever obtained at a running store “ladies night” event:

 You can break your boobs. 

It is not a joke.  As it turns out, a ligament is responsible for keeping your asteroids from falling to earth.  Bounce can stretch this ligament out.  Irreparably. 

Take a couple of deep breaths.  And now go to your local running store and look for a High Impact bra.

Here is one that I tried.  I chose it because:

1. It was high impact;

2. It had structure and adjustable straps and was not just the top portion of a bathing suit cut off and hemmed;

3. It was on sale. 

I review it below, based upon highly relevant criteria that I hope will help you narrow down your choices at least to 154.

The Make:

Moving Comfort

The Model:

Alexis

Asteroid containment level:

Keeps them in check while jumping and hopping around in a dressing room

How many shoulders will I have to dislocate in order to get into it?

Only 1

Do they come in colors that will match my running outfit?

There are at least 3 solids and 3 patterns, so you can probably be reasonably matchy-matchy.  Or you could buy the leopard print version and wear it under your white singlet and be trashy-trashy.  You could also just splurge for the support tank version

Can I clip my keys onto the strap easily because I really hate wearing those little belts which are still really fanny packs, I don’t care what you call them?

The straps are skinny so you can use the small carabiner key chain

  

Hubba-hubba, or Unibubba?

There is no underwire, but there are two padded cups, which means you look a little more like a girl in your straight jacket and not like you are trying to flatten and/or shove those things down under each armpit.  Plus, you can pop into the 7-11 after a run on a cold day without being so….obvious.

Will I need help getting out of it?

Those tire levers you keep in your bike kit come in real handy here.

Remember, run hard, and protect the asteroids.